Why I’m choosing not to lie to myself anymore by using people’s “preferred pronouns”
In my experience, it’s been quite a fast-moving change from pronouns not being ‘a thing’ to suddenly them being mentioned at the beginning of a lot of events I go to.
(quick tangent: mostly I’ve seen it in dance, theatre and sexuality spaces, which I find surprising as they are the places that I thought to be free-thinkers, but are the ones to govern their events the most. A lot of those spaces were also the ones that still demanded vaccines and covid tests throughout and way after covid was “over”. A lot of “progressive” thinking has become very conformative and strict in my opinion)
The seemingly fast progression means it can be easy to get swept up with how to act socially, and in all cases, it takes discernment to tune into what feels right for us.
So I was suddenly asked to say my pronouns in group introductions - this felt pointless to me, we would be lying if it wasn’t obvious what gender and sex I am - some might say this is my privilege as a gender-conforming person, or as a person who’s sex aligns with their gender, or something else - to me, it feels like a facade and a denial of my clear biology for the comfort of a small few.
(I once saw two people that identify as non-binary leave an event after one person spoke out that they weren’t sure why we have to do our pronouns - a valid response, that seemed to be too much for them)
If asked for my pronouns in group introductions, I just don’t say them, and sometimes someone will notice I didn’t say them and ask me directly, and I say succinctly, “I’m not giving my pronouns”.
Similar to white people avoiding talking about racism or being shut down for having a view on it, I wondered what my view on pronouns, as a woman who identifies as a woman, matters. Well for a holistic conversation, I think it has to. The reason I feel such a strong urge to speak on it is that it is increasingly something that is affecting the spaces I am in, so I have investigated my view on it. Plus, I thoroughly enjoy writing down my views, even if just for me.
And so I come to what was the tipping point of writing this letter. In my Sexological Bodywork training recently, someone messaged me to say ‘my pronouns are they/them’, as I’d referred to her as ‘she’ in my practice reflections.
I can understand why people want to be referred to in a certain way,
But on an energetic level, it’s demanding that the people around you refer to you in the way that you see yourself, rather than the way that they see you.
I used to be very polite and do my best to use people’s preferred pronouns, even reminding friends when they so-called ‘misgendered’ someone in a conversation (that they weren’t even in).
And then I remembered, it is more important for me that my words align with my reality,
Than my words aligning with your perception of yourself.
If I see a man wearing a ‘she/her’ badge, I cannot pretend I see him as a woman.
I am not willing to pretend that I see you as a she/he/they, if I do not.
I believe that’s why even people that intend to use people’s preferred pronouns, OFTEN “slip up”, because their perception of you did not really change, they are just doing their best to use the words that you’ve asked for.
For me, pronouns are ways to refer to people’s sex, not their gender identity. That’s how I see the world, and if that doesn’t align with someone’s perception of themselves, I think that should be okay.
If someone read this post and commented, ‘what a bigot’, and I replied to say, ‘pardon, I identify as an empress, so you must refer to me that way’, you might agree that that sounds delusional and arrogant. We are all going to have different perceptions of each other, and that’s okay.
I feel secure enough in who I am, that I don’t need others to refer to me in a particular way.
I don’t think I should need to adjust my expression or use of words to gratify someone else’s sense of identity. Being honest with myself is much more important to me than tip-toeing around with the fear of not offending someone.
So I shared some of my thoughts with the person that messaged me, and not surprisingly, I got “mini-cancelled”. She said she was telling the teacher what I’d said, and won’t be replying to any more messages.
I’m okay with that, but it’s also a stark realisation of so much of today’s culture -
no space for conversation,
no sign of a desire to understand or at least accept each other’s different worldviews,
running to tell authority how big and bad the other person is and avoiding the disagreement
She also mentioned, fair enough, that in our course agreements we agreed to use people’s preferred pronouns. I didn’t remember this. I must’ve politely conformed, and then over time, realised I will not sit with this dissonance inside me for someone else’s comfort. Agreements, like boundaries, like opinions, are allowed to change.
(She then ended the conversation with ‘hope you’re having a good day’
Which confused my simple, transparent communicator even more.
Did she really hope I had a good day? I can’t imagine it was sincere, so why add some polite correctness to the end of what felt like a very dismissive message?)
I bring forward a real example not necessarily as specific to her, but as real-life examples of things that I see happening a lot these days.
This is by no means saying that I don’t advocate for gender non-conformity and the dissolution of stereotypes. I think it is wonderful and necessary for any person to dress and behave and present themselves as they like. I’m all for authenticity whether that looks like men in dresses, men feeling more feminine or people being androgynous in personality and appearance. In my worldview, your gender has a much smaller effect on how I see you than your character and personality. If you want to refer to yourself with different pronouns, that’s also fine, just please don’t expect me to join in.
To me, it feels like it affirms stereotypes that if you don’t feel like a classic woman, then you must be non-binary. I can’t speak to people’s experiences, I’m just sharing my thoughts. To me, we as souls are all non-binary. I am simply female in this body I’m living life through right now.
I am all for differing worldviews. I am here for challenging conversations, and I can certainly find acceptance for people with different opinions. For me, the politics of it doesn’t interfere too much with whether I get on with you as a person.
What I am not for is my speech being governed, or being told I am whatever name under the sun if my words do not match someone’s chosen pronouns, or their opinions.
As my sense of self grows and feels more unshakeable, I am less fearful of what others may think. So if people hate on this post or on me, it might rock me a little, but I have come to my own grounded conclusions, after valuable introspection with myself and others, including conversations with people who don’t agree, to see where I stand afterwards. I’m stable enough in my own being to be okay with others’ differing responses and reactions.
Ultimately, standing strong and being true with my word is much more important to me than the opinions of others, which is why I’m choosing not to lie to myself anymore by using people’s “preferred pronouns”.
Thank you for reading,
Georgie